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Saturday, 20 December 2008

HAPPY HOLIDAYS - JOYEUSES FÊTES

ENGLISH WILL FOLLOW

Comme cadeau des fêtes, nous vous offrons:


Le Guide 101 pour la réussite de vos partys des fêtes dans l’art de la rectitude politique

- Ne portez surtout pas votre manteau de fourrure et assurez-vous que vos souliers et sacs à main sont confectionnés avec du simili cuir équitable. Si vous devez absolument porter un smoking, défendez-vous en mentionnant que vous avez récemment lancé un groupe dans Face Book ayant comme mission de faire des pressions auprès du ministère de la santé pour substituer l’appellation ‘’smoking’’ avec l’appellation ‘’No-smoking’’. Ceci devrait assurément vous sortir de l’embarras.

- N’employez aucune expression et ne racontez aucune blague à connotation : religieuse, sexiste, homophobe, raciste, politique. En fait, évitez totalement ces sujets.

- N’exprimez surtout pas votre opinion, même modérée, si elle est contraire au féminisme, au réchauffement climatique anthropogène, aux organismes extrémistes pour les animaux, à la guerre contre le tabac, à la guerre contre l’obésité, à la guerre contre l’alcool, au registre des armes à feu, aux passeports entre frontières, aux caméras espionnes, à la délation entre citoyens, au nouvel enseignement religieux dans les écoles, au port obligatoire de la ceinture de sécurité et le casque protecteur, aux vaccins obligatoires, au sucre, au sel, aux feux de foyers, au bannissement des pesticides, au bannissement du cellulaire en auto, au bannissement des gras trans, au bannissement du foie gras, au bannissement des étalages de tabac, au bannissement des lits superposés, au bannissement des marchettes, au bannissement des sacs en plastique…

Dans le doute, heureusement que nous avons tous une ‘’matante’’ Thérèse, ou un ‘’mononcle’’ Roger qui croient tout-ce qu’ils lisent et entendent et l’adoptent sans questionner. Et bien, c’est le temps de les consulter pour éviter une gaffe monumentale !

Pour un maximum de précaution, contentez-vous donc de souhaiter ‘’joyeuses fêtes’’ et non pas ‘’joyeux Noël’’ à tout le monde, commentez sur les qualités nutritives des aliments, sur la couleur de la peinture sans plomb des murs, sur le génie de tous les enfants présents, remerciez vos hôtes ou invités et partez en vous faisant conduire par nez rouge ou votre chauffeur désigné. Des heures de plaisir seront ainsi assurées !

Sur ce, nous, qui n’avons jamais porté attention à la rectitude politique et l’opinion public de l’heure, nous nous permettons de vous souhaiter un Joyeux Noël et une bonne année remplie de tout-ce qui vous rend joyeux et heureux. Amusez-vous et revenez nous lire après les fêtes !






Happy holidays to our faithful members and visitors. Enjoy yourselves and come back to read us after the holidays.

As a Christmas gift we offer you the following poem by Harvey Ehrlich.

POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA

by (c)Harvey Ehrlich


Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck...
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu.

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